The man responsible for sub prime debacle is fingered.

January 21, 2009

Pledge brothers:

Surely by now, even Rippetoe is aware that the American economy is in the toilet. Now, I am saddened to dutifully report that the brutal, slumping, slothful, slowdown has reached out and slapped beloved pledge brother Bill “Rocket” Kulsrud with the full impact of a midnight “basement” session with Dean Wertz.

For many long, sugary decades, Bill enjoyed the cheesy fruits of a cushy job posing as a distinguished college professor. Each semester brought a bevy of new co-eds to his classroom in search of knowledge. Yes, this meant that he got to ogle a lot of young, sweet things. Still, while that might sound intriguing, the truth is in all those years, he NEVER managed to find more than one or two Debbie Robertson look-alikes. Life can be cruel like that.

Other than that, his life was good, especially compared either to mine or that of Ron McMillan. Graduate assistants, when not fetching coffee or picking up his laundry, also did most, if not all, the daily teaching. Of course, the tedious work of grading the papers also fell in their laps. In fact, court-ordered security video tapes reveal he was only on campus for the first and last day of class. His lifestyle was idyllic, mollycoddled and pampered, if not boringly predictable. Golf on weekdays. Gin rummy on the weekends at “The club.” Evenings spent in “Nicholson” seats at the Pacer games. He often confided how weary he had grown listening to Peyton Manning talk about football on the many cruises they took together. But you know Bill, he could never say no to a free meal in a Skybox hobnobbing with the rich and famous. And, the cumulative downer impact of so many gallons of tequila flowing through his veins cannot be denied. On more than one occasion friends would point out that his “zipper was down.” Bill would always deride the comment by saying, “it should be, I’m peeing.”

Then, without warning, all of the sub prime mortgages that he had so vociferously championed (as part of his now discredited comprehensive tax strategy) all came tumbling down faster than you can say, “Yes, may I have another initiate Brother Robert Roark, sir.” Between the million dollar lawsuits, the tawdry and embarrassing appearances before countless Congressional sub-committees, and the obligatory, teary-eyed “mea culpa” on Oprah – it was simply a matter of time before the administration had had enough. His “pink slip” meant Bill became just another lost bum stumbling through the dank Cimmerian windings of the unemployed. It is truly heart-breaking too see what the toll of such a taxing experience has been on the once self-proclaimed “tax expert.”

I have enclosed two recent photos, which pretty much say it all. Being his only non-alcoholic, drug dependent friend, I helped him land a brief gig on the “Free Credit Report dot com” television campaign. You’ll recognize him in the first photo, it’s from the commercial - he’s the singing pirate. He did a decent job, but let’s face it; Bill and Varsity Review were seldom mentioned in the same breath.

The second photo shows Bill in his latest job. Naturally, it didn’t surprise anyone how quickly his prospects sank after the mental collapse, tattoos, and shopping channel binges. Notice the “four” fingers on his work glove. Thanks to a tragic Weed-eater accident on a city road crew, now, he can no longer even count to ten. This means his accounting days are all but a faded memory, just like Jan.

Still, don’t pity our lost “pledge bro.” Sure he pretty much single-handedly brought the U.S. and world economy to an end with his now-infamous, loony tax strategies, but anyone can make a mistake. Just ask the parents of Tom Cruise. Instead of angry or petty retribution like I’m known for, I suggest that we all just learn from his pathetic plight. Maybe, just maybe, you can find it in your heart to send a few bucks, perhaps some clean underwear, a toothbrush or just an old “Barn dance” photo to Bill c/o The Carmel Home for destitute, homeless ex-accounting professors.

Please, just give whatever you can.


Photo A shows Bill dressed as a stupid party

Photo B shows Bill dressed as Mickey Mouse with 4 fingered glove

Editors note: Bill is still highly successful Pro, his son works for me and

in a moment of madness, showed me the pictures that he had taken of his

dad at a recent party

Entry Filed under: humor. .

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